How I sold my soul

Me: “I’m a bad person God”
God: “Now why would you say a thing like that?”
Me: “Oh because I lie and cheat and steal. I am hungry for power and fame. And I never ever floss.”

G: “I LOVE having power – it is truly awesome. And fame is pretty excellent too. Look at me, I’m powerful and famous. Why, I am so famous there are a billion people supplicating to me, cursing at me, or doubting my existence at any given moment! Hows that for popular? But that doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?”

Me: “Um…”
G: "Well? Does it?"
Me: “No, no, I’m sure it doesn’t”
G: "Now, there is this matter of flossing. Let me see you teeth”
Me: “Aaaaaaaa”

G: “Yikes – an advanced case of halitosis if I’ve ever seen one! That certainly deserves a smite”

Me: “Oh shucks. Well, what kind of a smite will it be, God?”

G: “You pick - hemorrhoids, or shingles – its all the same to me”

Me: “But God, they have a vaccine for shingles now.”
G: “Are you serious? Oh for crying out loud, what is an all powerful person to do! I have had it up to here with your kind and your bloody free will”

Me: “God – but you gave it to us, didn’t you, the free will? Making us in your image and all”

G: “Ha, like heck I did! That it was that damn Satan – I had nothing to do with it.”

Me: “Satan? He gave us free will?”

G: “Oh come now – you can’t be that naïve! He gave it to you so that you could be pro-choice, conduct stem-cell research, believe in evolution – in short undo everything that I’ve ever done! Even have free and fair elections where people can, get this, pick whoever they want to represent them! Pfffhahaha!

Me: “But God, I don’t understand…we’ve been having free and fair elections ever since I can remember – it only seems…”

G: “Seems what? Free? Fair? Come now! How would you feel if the position of God was up for free and fair elections huh? You know what would happen? Nothing that’s what. The sun wouldn’t rise. The earth wouldn’t spin. You know why? Because you monkeys would pick some incompetent bucolic baboon to take my place, that’s why!”

Me: “Like they did in America, God?”

G: “What? What did you say?”

Me: “You know, Bush and the rest of the Republicans”

G: “Ok THATS IT – hemorrhoids AND a hernia for you, you little upstart!”

Me: “No! Ow, ow, but God, ow, I don’t understand!”

G: “Don’t understand? That boy George is the pride and joy of my existence, like my own son.  I personally sent him down, to undo decades of damage, and you, you ungrateful twits blasphemize him so!”

Me: “Ow ow, oh dear God, I am a siner and truly repentant. Please be merciful!

G: “Alright, now I want you to think carefully! Who invokes me with even more frequency than a priest? Why Georgie of course. And who has been trying to do away with free and fair elections and all matter of choice ever since they’ve been in office? Why, the good ol’ GOP. And they, bless their heart, they’ve even inherited my penchant for power – and don’t you start now with your objections - a few white lies and minor wars are a price they’ve been stoically willing to pay in order to aspire to the greatness of my own image. Who would fault them for that? As for Georgie’s teeth. He’s a flosser if nothing!"

Me: “Yes, it is clear to me now! Ow"

G: “Good. And one more thing before you leave. Think carefully about how you want to vote in the upcoming elections. Exercising free will could end up being a real pain in your butt! Pfffha ha ha ha ha ha!"